Thanks for the great advice all....
Let me clarify a few things:
1- Whoever said I was truly angry about my teaching career... you're right. That is probably where the anger stems from. I had a new teaching job lined up. It fell through on Christmas Eve. It's been ripping at me since.
2- Not that it means much... but I am a Mormon, and have never drank, smoked, used drugs, nor, as somebody who has worked with kids for the majority of his adult life do I have a foul mouth. I drop a few swear words on here for comedy's sake and shock value. I don't speak that way.
3- I have never hit my children, wife, a family member, etc.
4- I was an athlete, and a good one at that and never got in a fight in a game, and was a supreme "anger channeler" by turning "anger" into focus. It was a wonderful thing, and made me a better player than most opponents, because I never lost it... I just locked in and was a winner. Losing wasn't something I really knew. I think I said it in another post. The only losing team I ever played on was my first tee ball team.
5- About 6 years ago (at age 33) I woke up at 2 AM and thought I was having a heart attack. I ended up in the ER and found out I had blown out multiple discs in my neck playing softball. Within 2 weeks I had also lost the feeling in my left leg, and had been diagnosed with 3 more blown discs and 2 cysts on my spinal cord, along with 2 broken vertebrae in my lumbar spine. Three years prior to that I was "karate kicked" in the leg and it was broken quite viciously by an opponent in a softball game. I had 3 full rebuilds done on my lower leg/ankle and the doctor severed a nerve and also had to remove a ligament, multiple bone spurs, and 2 sizable chunks of my fibula. I recovered from that enough (even with a constant burn in my foot from the severed nerve) in order to continue my softball "addiction".
6- My cervical fusion went well, and I was still able to play. My lumbar fusion went poorly. I have since had the hardware (6 bolts, 2 cages with spacers/2 titanium rods) removed. The pain still remains. I have had the nerves "burned off" six times and have had over 100 injections into the area to try to keep me going. Then my Dad died. He just up and died one day. I never got over it I think. I tried. I did everything you're supposed to. I always thought he'd "watch out" for us, but seemingly everything has gone to crap since he died, and I've been trying to hold it together for my family and my siblings, nieces/nephews, mom, etc. since it happened and since I can't manage me, then I feel like I am failing them. My Dad randomly asked me 2 weeks before he died to do certain things. It seemed really out of sorts. But made sense when he died of a pulmonary embolism for no damned reason.
7- I have to walk with a cane now thanks to the stupid surgeries. This does infuriate me. I can't sleep due to the pain and I can't even get disability. This has all been covered in the lounge.
8- Finally... I got very sick on my birthday (in July). My weight has since varied by as much as 20 pounds in a week and I've had multiple infections, sold a house, moved in with my mom and crammed my family into 2 tiny bedrooms in her basement while we build a house. My blood pressure has been running in the 180/120 range and the doctors seem to blow it off, and then I had my gallbladder out right before Christmas. I've gotten sicker and sicker since the surgery. I am now at the point where the only "food" I can manage is gatorade, and 2 gingersnap cookies a day (yes, sounds funny, but is true). So six months later, I'm no better than before, and I can't even eat or sleep. It doesn't help.
9- I will seek out counseling. I was in counseling due to my inability to manage my pain. It didn't seem to help. But yeah... it would probably help a great deal. My problem isn't with the Seahawks. It is with my life and how crummy it has been. I had a great life. I was well known in the community, highly respected, looked-up to by a lot of folks, was in the newspaper a lot for all of the stuff I did for the community, served on committees, was a local leader. Now I'm a POS it seems as those same people I worked with daily don't even return emails, phone calls, or when I stop by to see them are too busy to talk. I leave notes, and they don't even respond to those. Now I can't even function right. I can't even have a slice of pizza and watch a game. I get my 3 blue gatorades and 2 ginger snaps per day. It's teeeee-riffic.
10- Sorry 8 wasn't finally... but this is. You people are some of the finest folks I've ever known. I bare my soul, and I get 90% of you telling me how it's ok, how you've been there, and giving me great ideas on how to get "back on track". You've all been more helpful to me in one 24 hour period than even my doctors have been in the last 6 years. You just listened, and you just gave me some very good strategies and made me realize I am not alone. I want the Seahawks to win for you guys. You deserve it. You're great people, and I'm glad we have the Hawks in common. It has helped me meet many of the kindest people I'll ever know. Thank you all. For those who think it's funny and want to make jokes, then I am happy I could provide you with a laugh. I was always the class clown, but in this case I'm not joking. I'm struggling. And being bedridden for a while makes it so that the people you interact with aren't a very wide circle. This is my "circle of friends" and so I came to you. It's not the Seahawks. It's me. You're right. I'm failing at life, and don't know how to get back on track. Social Security and Liberty Mutual both turned their back on me, and now I'm afraid the house we're building will be a "no-go" as we won't qualify because I will be terminated from my current job if I don't return in about 7 days. No way I can return. This sucks. I decided to hang my hat on the Hawks. It was my source of happiness. Bad idea I know, but it was the ONE thing that was going right in my life. It gave me hope. Hell, if the Hawks could win a Superbowl, maybe I'd wake up one day and this nightmare would be over. I put my eggs in one basket. Bad idea. No balance. My mistake. You folks are right, and I love you all for it.
-Jon