N
NoGain
Guest
It hit me like a ton of bricks. This wasn't just some ordinary opening game of the season. This was Armageddon. It was an inner spiritual jolt, the kind that makes you stop whatever you're doing, transports you to some other place, and compels you into a deep spiritually investigative dive. I was by greeted by the spirit of Cortez Kennedy my guide who, of course, wore the number 96 that immediately reminded of Psalm 96 in the Bible which said...
Let the field be joyful, and all that is in it; then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy before the Lord; for He comes, for He comes to judge the earth; He shall judge the world with righteousness and the people with his truth.
I mean there it is. "Let the field be joyful..." was an obvious reference to Lumen Field. And what is the Lord coming to righteously judge? Duh! The 49ers. Why? Well that's where it gets interesting. Tez then led me to a numerologist who was located near his favorite rib joint in heaven who he met when he needed help with his corporeal tax returns. I walked in and she looked at me like she'd been waiting a thousand years for me to arrive. She wasted no time. Got right to it...
Hmm...she mumbled, busy with her scratch pad like she was deciphering the general theory of relativity. I patiently wait for her to finish. Then she looked at me gravely and turned the pad toward me. I anxiously recoiled as she explained the results of her findings...
49ers...she uttered...take a look...
Step one: 4 x 9 = 36
Step two: 36 x 4 = 144
Step two: 36 x 9 = 324
Following me...she said? I think so, I said. Good, let's continue...
Step three: 144 + 324 = 468
Now here's where it gets a little more difficult, she said. The devil's in the details...
The 49ers were named after the gold rush of 1849, right? You said you were an American Studies major to Tez, didn't you? Yes I did, I responded. So you would know that, she said. Yeah, I guess so. Well this next part should easy for you with your 6th grade math skills, and I'll just assume that you know what year you're living in that other God forsaken place, right? she asked. Yes, I think I know that much, I said. Well then, let's continue...
Step four: 1 + 8 + 4 +9 = 22
Step four: 2 + 0 + 2 +5 = 9
Are you still following me, my spiritually feeble minded friend, she asked. YYYeeeaaahhh, I think so, I said. Good, she said, let's bring this spiritually inquiry to a close then, shall we?...Okay, I sheepishly responded...Well then, you better brace yourself, she said...
Step five: 22 x 9 = 198
...and finally...
Step SIX: 468 + 198 = 666
OMFG! I shuddered and gasped. The scriptures were right. It was staring us right in the face all along. This is more than just a game. This is about good vs. evil. The end of times. The battle of Armageddon is taking place on Lumen Field TOMORROW!
I could barely contain the significance of what was going on inside me. I rushed out of the numerologists office searching for Tez to lead me back to the underworld, but he was nowhere to be found. Just as my panic reached the unbearable point, a man came forth from the shadows of a heavenly alley. His face slowly started becoming familiar to me. It was Chuck Knox.
Chuck, I said, I know you don't know me from an UDFA, but I need your help. I've got to get back to that other place and inform my fellow dot netters of the spiritual significance of this game, how the fate of the world depends upon a Hawks victory over the evil empire tomorrow. He grinned at me and said...sure I'll take you back there. On one condition. I said yes, anything. You remember what they used to call me, don't you, he said. Yes, I said, Ground Chuck. That's right. Tell them to RUN THE DAMN BALL! Gladly, I said, and he then led me back.
Well that's all I have to say about that. I know that many of you might not believe my tale, but it's true. Just like Largent or Marshawn, I wouldn't lie.
Let the field be joyful, and all that is in it; then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy before the Lord; for He comes, for He comes to judge the earth; He shall judge the world with righteousness and the people with his truth.
I mean there it is. "Let the field be joyful..." was an obvious reference to Lumen Field. And what is the Lord coming to righteously judge? Duh! The 49ers. Why? Well that's where it gets interesting. Tez then led me to a numerologist who was located near his favorite rib joint in heaven who he met when he needed help with his corporeal tax returns. I walked in and she looked at me like she'd been waiting a thousand years for me to arrive. She wasted no time. Got right to it...
Hmm...she mumbled, busy with her scratch pad like she was deciphering the general theory of relativity. I patiently wait for her to finish. Then she looked at me gravely and turned the pad toward me. I anxiously recoiled as she explained the results of her findings...
49ers...she uttered...take a look...
Step one: 4 x 9 = 36
Step two: 36 x 4 = 144
Step two: 36 x 9 = 324
Following me...she said? I think so, I said. Good, let's continue...
Step three: 144 + 324 = 468
Now here's where it gets a little more difficult, she said. The devil's in the details...
The 49ers were named after the gold rush of 1849, right? You said you were an American Studies major to Tez, didn't you? Yes I did, I responded. So you would know that, she said. Yeah, I guess so. Well this next part should easy for you with your 6th grade math skills, and I'll just assume that you know what year you're living in that other God forsaken place, right? she asked. Yes, I think I know that much, I said. Well then, let's continue...
Step four: 1 + 8 + 4 +9 = 22
Step four: 2 + 0 + 2 +5 = 9
Are you still following me, my spiritually feeble minded friend, she asked. YYYeeeaaahhh, I think so, I said. Good, she said, let's bring this spiritually inquiry to a close then, shall we?...Okay, I sheepishly responded...Well then, you better brace yourself, she said...
Step five: 22 x 9 = 198
...and finally...
Step SIX: 468 + 198 = 666
OMFG! I shuddered and gasped. The scriptures were right. It was staring us right in the face all along. This is more than just a game. This is about good vs. evil. The end of times. The battle of Armageddon is taking place on Lumen Field TOMORROW!
I could barely contain the significance of what was going on inside me. I rushed out of the numerologists office searching for Tez to lead me back to the underworld, but he was nowhere to be found. Just as my panic reached the unbearable point, a man came forth from the shadows of a heavenly alley. His face slowly started becoming familiar to me. It was Chuck Knox.
Chuck, I said, I know you don't know me from an UDFA, but I need your help. I've got to get back to that other place and inform my fellow dot netters of the spiritual significance of this game, how the fate of the world depends upon a Hawks victory over the evil empire tomorrow. He grinned at me and said...sure I'll take you back there. On one condition. I said yes, anything. You remember what they used to call me, don't you, he said. Yes, I said, Ground Chuck. That's right. Tell them to RUN THE DAMN BALL! Gladly, I said, and he then led me back.
Well that's all I have to say about that. I know that many of you might not believe my tale, but it's true. Just like Largent or Marshawn, I wouldn't lie.
