olyfan63
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Please... no more BS discussion of whether Marshawn should or shouldn't--he is contractually required to. He needs to find a way to be a big boy. Now, given that he must "meet his media obligations", there's nothing that says he can't add, "...and have fun in the process." to those obligations. So, how can Marshawn have some fun, yank the reporters chains, say nothing, meet his media obligations, "and have fun in the process"?
Is Marshawn a big boy? Can Marshawn develop increasingly effective ways of handling himself if he doesn't want to talk to those big, bad, evil ole reporters? Well, maybe he just needs some more creative strategies.
Personally, I would love to see Marshawn hire a comedy writer spokesperson, to accompany him to all unwanted press sessions. I mean, there have to be a TON of comedy writers in the Seattle area who would work for $100,000 or less per season, to be Marshawn's press secretary and interview companion.
OPTION 1: SWAMI SIDEKICK INTERVIEW
I think it would work like this: Marshawn, with his press secretary dressed as a swami, complete with turban, robe, crystal ball, Russian accent, etc. is available for the media. Reporter asks question: "Marshawn, did it seem to you like their defense got tired in the second half?" Marshawn turns to his swami press secretary, who whispers an answer in his ear. Marshawn turns back to the reporter, and replies, "Maybe. In 1989, year of the snake, many of their defense born. Snakes become less graceful when tired. Thank you for asking."
"Marshawn, on that long run where Patrick Petersen grabbed at the ball and missed tackling you at the sideline, what was going through your mind, what did you do that helped you break the tackle and stay in bounds?"
Lynch turns to his Swami, gets answer whispered in ear, turns back: "Maybe. Attack occurred at 33 yard line. 33 is a unfavorable number for attackers unless in 3's. 2 will be unsuccessful there. Thank you for asking."
OPTION 2: MAGIC 8-BALL INTERVIEW
If it turns out the NFL has rules that players can't have a human advisor with them, well then it's magic-8-ball time, and pull-string-talking-Barbie time.
Reporter: "...Marshawn, what did you do that helped you break the tackle and stay in bounds?"
Marshawn: (consults 8 ball) "As I see it, yes. Thank you for asking."
Reporter: "Marshawn, did it seem to you like their defense got tired in the second half?"
Marshawn: (consults 8 ball) "Most likely. Thank you for asking."
OPTION 3: TALKING BARBIE INTERVIEW
Reporter: "...Marshawn, what did you do that helped you break the tackle and stay in bounds?"
Marshawn: (pulls Barbie string, listens) "Stacey and I are having tea. Thank you for asking."
Reporter: "Marshawn, did it seem to you like their defense got tired in the second half?"
Marshawn: (pulls Barbie string, listens) "I have a date tonight. Thank you for asking."
OPTION 4: RUSSELL WILSON PLATITUDE FLASHCARDS (QB ARMBAND) INTERVIEW
Credit: SnoCoHawk, this thread: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=105548
Russell should write him up some platitude flash cards that he can read from:
-Every week is a championship opportunity.
-One game at a time.
-We're just playing for each other.
-They're a great team, I expect a competitive game.
-All the credit goes to my teammates.
So Marshawn has a QB "plays" armband made, with RW's quotes on them, and puts this on after games.
Reporter: "...Marshawn, what did you do that helped you break the tackle and stay in bounds?"
Marshawn: (Closes eyes, stabs finger randomly on RW quotes armband) "Maybe. All the credit goes to my teammates. Thank you for asking."
Reporter: "Marshawn, did it seem to you like their defense got tired in the second half?"
Marshawn: (Closes eyes, stabs finger randomly on RW quotes armband) "Maybe. Every week is a championship opportunity. Thank you for asking."
SUMMARY
Now, it's important to keep this stuff fresh. Magic 8 ball one week, Talking Barbie the second week, Tarot Cards the week after, Talking Ninja Turtles after that, maybe a rotating set of themes.
I think that would be a helluva lot more fun for everyone, meet Marshawn's media obligation, and give him a few more tools and opportunities to mess with the reporters, without coming across as sullen, unfriendly, etc.
What do you say, Marshawn? There are hundreds of under-employed comedy writers in Seattle, practically holding their breath, waiting for your call. (P.S. For a reasonable fee, no more than 1% of your annual salary, I would be happy to perform this service for you.)
CALL FOR ADDITIONAL MATERIAL FROM THE .NET COMICS-WANNABE CREW
Anybody other comedy guys out there got some good routines, characters or answers for Marshawn, to help cope with his media obligations?
Is Marshawn a big boy? Can Marshawn develop increasingly effective ways of handling himself if he doesn't want to talk to those big, bad, evil ole reporters? Well, maybe he just needs some more creative strategies.
Personally, I would love to see Marshawn hire a comedy writer spokesperson, to accompany him to all unwanted press sessions. I mean, there have to be a TON of comedy writers in the Seattle area who would work for $100,000 or less per season, to be Marshawn's press secretary and interview companion.
OPTION 1: SWAMI SIDEKICK INTERVIEW
I think it would work like this: Marshawn, with his press secretary dressed as a swami, complete with turban, robe, crystal ball, Russian accent, etc. is available for the media. Reporter asks question: "Marshawn, did it seem to you like their defense got tired in the second half?" Marshawn turns to his swami press secretary, who whispers an answer in his ear. Marshawn turns back to the reporter, and replies, "Maybe. In 1989, year of the snake, many of their defense born. Snakes become less graceful when tired. Thank you for asking."
"Marshawn, on that long run where Patrick Petersen grabbed at the ball and missed tackling you at the sideline, what was going through your mind, what did you do that helped you break the tackle and stay in bounds?"
Lynch turns to his Swami, gets answer whispered in ear, turns back: "Maybe. Attack occurred at 33 yard line. 33 is a unfavorable number for attackers unless in 3's. 2 will be unsuccessful there. Thank you for asking."
OPTION 2: MAGIC 8-BALL INTERVIEW
If it turns out the NFL has rules that players can't have a human advisor with them, well then it's magic-8-ball time, and pull-string-talking-Barbie time.
Reporter: "...Marshawn, what did you do that helped you break the tackle and stay in bounds?"
Marshawn: (consults 8 ball) "As I see it, yes. Thank you for asking."
Reporter: "Marshawn, did it seem to you like their defense got tired in the second half?"
Marshawn: (consults 8 ball) "Most likely. Thank you for asking."
OPTION 3: TALKING BARBIE INTERVIEW
Reporter: "...Marshawn, what did you do that helped you break the tackle and stay in bounds?"
Marshawn: (pulls Barbie string, listens) "Stacey and I are having tea. Thank you for asking."
Reporter: "Marshawn, did it seem to you like their defense got tired in the second half?"
Marshawn: (pulls Barbie string, listens) "I have a date tonight. Thank you for asking."
OPTION 4: RUSSELL WILSON PLATITUDE FLASHCARDS (QB ARMBAND) INTERVIEW
Credit: SnoCoHawk, this thread: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=105548
Russell should write him up some platitude flash cards that he can read from:
-Every week is a championship opportunity.
-One game at a time.
-We're just playing for each other.
-They're a great team, I expect a competitive game.
-All the credit goes to my teammates.
So Marshawn has a QB "plays" armband made, with RW's quotes on them, and puts this on after games.
Reporter: "...Marshawn, what did you do that helped you break the tackle and stay in bounds?"
Marshawn: (Closes eyes, stabs finger randomly on RW quotes armband) "Maybe. All the credit goes to my teammates. Thank you for asking."
Reporter: "Marshawn, did it seem to you like their defense got tired in the second half?"
Marshawn: (Closes eyes, stabs finger randomly on RW quotes armband) "Maybe. Every week is a championship opportunity. Thank you for asking."
SUMMARY
Now, it's important to keep this stuff fresh. Magic 8 ball one week, Talking Barbie the second week, Tarot Cards the week after, Talking Ninja Turtles after that, maybe a rotating set of themes.
I think that would be a helluva lot more fun for everyone, meet Marshawn's media obligation, and give him a few more tools and opportunities to mess with the reporters, without coming across as sullen, unfriendly, etc.
What do you say, Marshawn? There are hundreds of under-employed comedy writers in Seattle, practically holding their breath, waiting for your call. (P.S. For a reasonable fee, no more than 1% of your annual salary, I would be happy to perform this service for you.)
CALL FOR ADDITIONAL MATERIAL FROM THE .NET COMICS-WANNABE CREW
Anybody other comedy guys out there got some good routines, characters or answers for Marshawn, to help cope with his media obligations?
