Ya know, this all sounds plausible, just like a lot of the "anti-bullying" stuff, which frankly, I'm suspicious of the real agenda behind it. "Who decides" what is and isn't "bullying", and what's fair and legitimate criticism--that's the problem. And once a questionable authority procures some of this power, typically their agenda is to take even more power and control unto themselves, and make more and more ludicrous, self-serving, power-grabbing pronouncements, and basically attempt to become the Thought Police.
I have two older daughters who bullied and harrassed their younger brother, my son, between ages 5 to 8. Two and four years older. They would tease and taunt and torment him mercilessly, especially in the car, because he couldn't get away. Should I have made them stop? Is my assumption that my poor little son is too feeble, too weak, to deal with his evil sisters' onslaught?* No. I coached him on ways to cope with his sisters, to distract them, to change the subject, to make it a joke, and in short, to not get "hooked" into their game. I didn't say much of anything to his sisters. It took some practice, and some tears, but by age 9, he had developed the mental and verbal skills to consistently not only deflect their attacks, but to wind up with everyone having fun with teasing and banter. No longer the victim. Those skills have served him extremely well his whole life.
Is Marshawn a big boy? Can Marshawn develop increasingly effective ways of handling himself if he doesn't want to talk to those big, bad, evil ole reporters? Well, that's up to Marshawn, to develop effective strategies. We're seeing him in the process, as he tries different things.
Personally, I would love to see Marshawn hire a comedy writer spokesperson, to accompany him to all unwanted press sessions. I mean, there have to be a TON of comedy writers in the Seattle area who would work for $100,000 or less per season, to be Marshawn's press secretary and interview companion.
I think it would work like this: Marshawn, with his press secretary dressed as a swami, complete with turban, robe, crystal ball, Russian accent, etc. is available for the media. Reporter asks question: "Marshawn, did it seem to you like their defense got tired in the second half?" Marshawn turns to his swami press secretary, who whispers an answer in his ear. Marshawn turns back to the reporter, and replies, "Maybe. In 1989, year of the snake, many of their defense born. Snakes become less graceful when tired. Thank you for asking."
"Marshawn, on that long run where Patrick Petersen grabbed at the ball and missed tackling you at the sideline, what was going through your mind, what did you do that helped you break the tackle and stay in bounds?"
Lynch turns to his Swami, gets answer whispered in ear, turns back: "Maybe. Attack occurred at 33 yard line. 33 is a unfavorable number for attackers unless in 3's. 2 will be unsuccessful there. Thank you for asking."
I think that would be a helluva lot more fun for everyone, meet Marshawn's media obligation, and give him a few more tools and opportunities to mess with the reporters, without coming across as sullen, unfriendly, etc.
What do you say, Marshawn? There are hundreds of under-employed comedy writers in Seattle, practically holding their breath, waiting for your call. (P.S. For a reasonable fee, no more than 1% of your annual salary, I would be happy to perform this service for you.)
Anybody other comedy guys out there got some good routines, characters or answers for Marshawn, to help cope with his media obligations?
If it turns out the NFL has rules that players can't have a human advisor with them, well then it's magic-8-ball time, and pull-string-talking-Barbie time.
Reporter: "...Marshawn, what did you do that helped you break the tackle and stay in bounds?"
Marshawn: (consults 8 ball) "As I see it, yes. Thank you for asking."
Reporter: "Marshawn, did it seem to you like their defense got tired in the second half?"
Marshawn: (consults 8 ball) "Most likely. Thank you for asking."
Reporter: "...Marshawn, what did you do that helped you break the tackle and stay in bounds?"
Marshawn: (pulls Barbie string, listens) "Stacey and I are having tea. Thank you for asking."
Reporter: "Marshawn, did it seem to you like their defense got tired in the second half?"
Marshawn: (pulls Barbie string, listens) "I have a date tonight. Thank you for asking."
Now, it's important to keep this stuff fresh. Magic 8 ball one week, Talking Barbie the second week, Tarot Cards the week after, Talking Ninja Turtles after that, maybe a rotating set of themes.
* Credit: The inspiration for this choice with my son largely came from Steven Covey's audio version of the 7 Habits, and his story about his younger son being picked on by older brothers.
