I am in so much pain. I really am running out of gas guys. I haven't bought anything for my family for Christmas. I haven't gone in to the office since July 20th. My short term disability runs out Christmas Day, so the company needs to decide whether to long term me, or to terminate me for being ill. My guess is termination. I've applied for SSI and my local senator (Mike Lee) has a lady who handles such requests for assistance. She informed me that because of his views and those of his constituents, he will do the absolute bare minimum he is required to do in order to assist in my social security case. So basically I'm fudged. I have a Tea Party Senator that doesn't believe that people should qualify for disability and so he'll do the following: 1- Make one phone call to assure that my application was received. 2- 3 months later make a follow up phone call and ask that my case is given proper consideration according to the standards and laws of the ADA. 3- Write a letter when I lose and have to appeal and ask that as one of his constituents I receive a fair review as they review my original application and assure that I am given fair treatment.
So.... yeah. Thanks Senator. My other option is Orrin Hatch. His office won't even return a phone call, and I've been trying for two years.
This is the problem with this stuff. When we had a really good Senator here, he made calls for my Dad when they randomly cut off his retirement checks and the money with backpay was into his account within 48 hours. He said he'd call everybody he could up to and including the head of Social Security to assure that my father's back benefits were paid and that their reasoning for stopping payment was illegal and unethical (he was also a lawyer). Now he's dead and got voted out because somebody richer than him bought the vote.
I'm totally screwed. I hurt constantly. The doctors decided to mix my meds up on Monday. Why? Because they thought the "less is more" approach is good, so they wanted to eliminate the chance of a side effect I'm not even having. So the medicine I've been on for a year and a half that works fine was taken away and another med was put in its place. I'm now barfing and crying on cue (yes, I just randomly cry every hour on the hour for no apparent reason... it is obviously a side effect!), my muscles are all tingly, my whole body is itchy, and my head feels like it's popping forward like a crane or something, even though it's not moving. My pain levels have gone from a steady 5-6 on the pain scale when I took my other med to a really solid 8 except for 1 hour after I take my meds.... then I get about an hour of relief. Then the pain builds quickly until it's unstoppable.
The ingredient they wanted me to stop taking? Tylenol (acetaminophen) which was included as part of the formula of the med. So I got switched to a tylenol free version. I called last night in a panic because I was having full blown withdrawals and incredibly sick, explained all side effects and asked if I could switch back. I was told, "No... just go buy some tylenol over the counter and take it with your med. Then you'll be taking the same thing you were before." So I've tried that with my last six doses. It doesn't work and it's not getting any better. I feel utterly defeated. If I call them in the morning they are going to tell me to give it a few days as I "adjust", but I was fine on my other meds. They will tell me that I can't see a doctor as they are all booked and sorry, those are the breaks. I won't even get to plead my case. So now I've got nobody on my side. I just need an advocate of some sort I guess.
I have really reached the end of the tracks. Every time they do something to make me better I get worse it seems. I just feel hopeless. All of my old work friends have disappeared from my life. My family owes me money, so they aren't talking to me. My doctors have blown me off. Social Security has told me to take a hike. I'm going to lose my job this week, and I've ruined Christmas by not getting anything for the kids or my wife, and I won't be able to considering the way I feel with my guts stitched back together and me having full-blown withdrawals. This is awful. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I need a change. I've tried being my own advocate and being super pro-active, seeking second and third opinions, fighting back with insurance by filling out every form and faxing them to them multiple times to prevent them from cutting me off (they are trying to catch me in a "you're gone" loophole). I just don't know if I can fight this fight anymore. I'm weak and losing my mind and so so so worn out with the whole thing. I just want a life free of some pain and to be able to walk around a bit and spend some time with my children. I've spilled my guts here because I have nowhere else to spill them and nobody else to spill them to. Make fun of me if you want... but life is really bad now, and the stress of the holidays and realization that Christmas has just gone down the toilet and my doctors are going to hold firm in their stance that it's not their problem and I'm fine and eventually I'll adjust and blah blah blah.... I just want to give up. I can't take it anymore.
Sorry for all of my long posts. I know they've annoyed a lot of you. Maybe this explains why. I'm probably crying out for help somehow.... I guess we'll never know, but I just wish I could use a magic wand one and put me back to my normal self. It would make life so much better for my children. I need something big to change like now. I am failing and I know I am. I can feel my fingers slipping one by one as I grip the ledge and it sucks.