Some of you who weren’t hugged enough by your mothers when you were children seem to want the Hawks to receive confirmation of their existence through national media attention. I cannot help but notice that we have received such attention since the Green Bay game, and the attention is largely negative. Now that the media have noticed us, they feel the need to mention us on a regular basis but only to belittle us.
This must be quite galling for Paul Allen. He buys a team, gives them fantastic facilities, spends top dollar on a coaching staff and front office, and then stays in the background and lets them get on with it. In other words, what the perfect owner of a great franchise would do. Instead, he sees incompetent control freaks like Jerry Jones, and their teams, get all the attention.
We seem to be overlooking the fact that PA is an American billionaire, and as such he can do WHATEVER HE WANTS. If he wanted to, he could re-programme the entire population of the U.S. through running advertising campaigns on network television, like the public service advertisements they used to run telling you not to smoke or juggle fire whilst filling your car with gas. You may wonder what one of these adverts would look like. You don’t? Oh. Well, I’ve already typed this and everything...
Camera opens on a number of players in Seahawks uniform sitting cross-legged on a white floor, surrounded by children. Russell Wilson, who is holding a book, looks up:-
RUSSELL WILSON: Hi! We’re the Seattle Seahawks! You’ve just caught us engaging in our favourite pastime of reading to orphans. Now, until a few weeks ago you had probably never heard of us. You may even not have known what part of Canada Seattle was in. Then this happened...
Cuts to replay of the Tate catch vs Green Bay at normal speed, followed by cuts of audio from the commentators, such as Jon Gruden saying “I just threw up in my mouth”, etc
RW: The mainstream media, which is all ultimately owned by Al-Jazeera, may have lead you to believe that somehow we shouldn’t have won that game. But that’s not true. To explain, I’ll need some help from this guy...
Golden Tate jogs onto shot, pushing a child in the back. The child flies out of the shot.
RW: Hey, careful. You just pushed that kid!
GOLDEN TATE: No I didn’t!
There follows a slow motion replay of the camera shot from the grassy knoll, showing Tate getting the ball first. Tate points out his hand getting on the ball first.
GT: Now that’s a catch! Isn’t it, replacement ref?
An unshaven man in referee uniform comes into shot.
REF: You’re paying me in cash, right?
GT: I paid you before the game, I’m not paying you again.
The referee begins a halting and rambling explanation of the contested catch rule, culminating in him saying “Touchdown!” whilst crossing his arms in the signal for incomplete pass.
RW (awkwardly): So, are you still refereeing games somewhere, now that the real refs are back?
REF: No, I took all the time off work that I could already. Talking of which, I’d better get back to work – that schoolbus won’t drive itself.
RW: So, you see...I can’t see the teleprompter. Can you get him out of the way? OK, but he’s quite tall for a 7 year old...we’re not cheats or anything. Not like the guys we are playing this week, the New England Patriots. Don’t you remember Spygate? They were spying on other teams! Or the Tuck Rule? They won a playoff game because of a bad call, and then the NFL changed the rules so they couldn’t say they had benefited from a bad call. And guys...Tom Brady is married to Gisele Bundchen. The reason – the only reason – you are not in bed with Gisele Bundchen right now is because of Tom Brady.
Now, you can bet that Bill Belichik is thinking of his most devious ways of cheating his team to victory this Sunday. He hasn’t even gone home this week – he has slept in the alley behind the Patriots’ headquarters every night this week. Well, I assume he has, you know, from how he looks and the smell. So I hope we can count on your support this Sunday. Remember, we’re the good guys!
Cut to Paul McQuistan attempting a “smile” at a child. The child screams then cries uncontrollably. A puddle of urine appears on the floor.
DIRECTOR: And..cut! That’s a rap everybody!
Five seconds pass, then Breno G runs onto the shot and pancakes one of the children.
Machine-wrapped, with butter?
Yes, machine-wrapped, WITH BUTTER