I am in so much pain. I really am running out of gas guys. I haven't bought anything for my family for Christmas. I haven't gone in to the office since July 20th. My short term disability runs out Christmas Day, so the company needs to decide whether to long term me, or to terminate me for being ill. My guess is termination. I've applied for SSI and my local senator (Mike Lee) has a lady who handles such requests for assistance. She informed me that because of his views and those of his constituents, he will do the absolute bare minimum he is required to do in order to assist in my social security case. So basically I'm fudged. I have a Tea Party Senator that doesn't believe that people should qualify for disability and so he'll do the following: 1- Make one phone call to assure that my application was received. 2- 3 months later make a follow up phone call and ask that my case is given proper consideration according to the standards and laws of the ADA. 3- Write a letter when I lose and have to appeal and ask that as one of his constituents I receive a fair review as they review my original application and assure that I am given fair treatment.

So.... yeah. Thanks Senator. My other option is Orrin Hatch. His office won't even return a phone call, and I've been trying for two years.

This is the problem with this stuff. When we had a really good Senator here, he made calls for my Dad when they randomly cut off his retirement checks and the money with backpay was into his account within 48 hours. He said he'd call everybody he could up to and including the head of Social Security to assure that my father's back benefits were paid and that their reasoning for stopping payment was illegal and unethical (he was also a lawyer). Now he's dead and got voted out because somebody richer than him bought the vote.

I'm totally screwed. I hurt constantly. The doctors decided to mix my meds up on Monday. Why? Because they thought the "less is more" approach is good, so they wanted to eliminate the chance of a side effect I'm not even having. So the medicine I've been on for a year and a half that works fine was taken away and another med was put in its place. I'm now barfing and crying on cue (yes, I just randomly cry every hour on the hour for no apparent reason... it is obviously a side effect!), my muscles are all tingly, my whole body is itchy, and my head feels like it's popping forward like a crane or something, even though it's not moving. My pain levels have gone from a steady 5-6 on the pain scale when I took my other med to a really solid 8 except for 1 hour after I take my meds.... then I get about an hour of relief. Then the pain builds quickly until it's unstoppable.

The ingredient they wanted me to stop taking? Tylenol (acetaminophen) which was included as part of the formula of the med. So I got switched to a tylenol free version. I called last night in a panic because I was having full blown withdrawals and incredibly sick, explained all side effects and asked if I could switch back. I was told, "No... just go buy some tylenol over the counter and take it with your med. Then you'll be taking the same thing you were before." So I've tried that with my last six doses. It doesn't work and it's not getting any better. I feel utterly defeated. If I call them in the morning they are going to tell me to give it a few days as I "adjust", but I was fine on my other meds. They will tell me that I can't see a doctor as they are all booked and sorry, those are the breaks. I won't even get to plead my case. So now I've got nobody on my side. I just need an advocate of some sort I guess.

I have really reached the end of the tracks. Every time they do something to make me better I get worse it seems. I just feel hopeless. All of my old work friends have disappeared from my life. My family owes me money, so they aren't talking to me. My doctors have blown me off. Social Security has told me to take a hike. I'm going to lose my job this week, and I've ruined Christmas by not getting anything for the kids or my wife, and I won't be able to considering the way I feel with my guts stitched back together and me having full-blown withdrawals. This is awful. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I need a change. I've tried being my own advocate and being super pro-active, seeking second and third opinions, fighting back with insurance by filling out every form and faxing them to them multiple times to prevent them from cutting me off (they are trying to catch me in a "you're gone" loophole). I just don't know if I can fight this fight anymore. I'm weak and losing my mind and so so so worn out with the whole thing. I just want a life free of some pain and to be able to walk around a bit and spend some time with my children. I've spilled my guts here because I have nowhere else to spill them and nobody else to spill them to. Make fun of me if you want... but life is really bad now, and the stress of the holidays and realization that Christmas has just gone down the toilet and my doctors are going to hold firm in their stance that it's not their problem and I'm fine and eventually I'll adjust and blah blah blah.... I just want to give up. I can't take it anymore.

Sorry for all of my long posts. I know they've annoyed a lot of you. Maybe this explains why. I'm probably crying out for help somehow.... I guess we'll never know, but I just wish I could use a magic wand one and put me back to my normal self. It would make life so much better for my children. I need something big to change like now. I am failing and I know I am. I can feel my fingers slipping one by one as I grip the ledge and it sucks.

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R.I.P. Dad. I miss you. You will never be forgotten
1/12/39 - 8/7/08

Check your PM's sharkhawk

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The LOLs of the many outweigh the shame of the few

Damnit Jon that sucks. Wish there was something we could do other than help you worry.

Try to keep your chin up.

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Still missing you everyday pal.

Maybe we could start a donation fund? At least it might help with the money part.

Man, I hope the pain diminishes.

Man, I am sorry to hear of your trials. Not fun. I hope by some miracle things change for you. I'm not having the physical pain, but I feel the 'screwed' part and the hopelessness, having just lost my job and no money coming in. But man, I hope you are able to improve to the point of being able to get around.

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I'm not sure what your condition is, but I can tell what I know of pain pills and Social Security disability.

For disability, get yourself a lawyer. They work on a contingency and only charge if they win the case and then they get a small percentage. A lawyer is a must! Be prepared to wait; almost all applications are denied the first time.

As for pain pills, I have low back disk issues among other things. I was put on pills for chronic pain. The most recent studies show that narcotic analgesics actually only work for short term pain. Once used long term, they actually lower a person's pain threshold and of course tolerance increases. My doctors told me this and, tough as it was, I made a decision to get off them. I never made a better decision in my life!

It was about a month and a half of sheer hell, coming off narcotic analgesics, is not fun or easy even when you are medically tapered off. I had the shakes bad, hot and cold spells and "kicking", every night. For three months later I had other symptoms and the pain remained a while. Once I got to about the 6 month mark though, the real recovery began. Today I am in far less pain then when I was on Morphine. I still have my days, but Ibuprofen is the drug of choice. Medicinal cannabis works for many, though I think it's probably not an option in Utah?

In any case, when the doctors say that long term use of narcotic analgesics makes pain worse, hard as it is to believe at the time, I found it was absolutely correct. I will never use them again, unless it's a short term situation or unless I'm dying anyway.

I don't know if any of this is of any use to you, but it's what I know. My heart goes out to ya though and I hope you find some answers!

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I don't know what to say Shark but I hope there is someone local that you can talk to that can help with the feeling of hopelessness. As far as the pain control and benefits issues, along with your employment concerns, I hope you can get those resolved to the positive item by item.

As for letting down your family during the Holidays, I am sure your wife is a strong woman who knows how all this is impacting you. Talk with her and work through the issue of how this impacts you and how it affects her and the kids.

You have a lot of separate issues hitting you at once, all tied to your health. Prioritize those issues you can address (such as getting the family in a state where the holidays do not take away from the bigger issue of loving one another) vs working with the system as it is.

Please continue the fight and hang in there. I hope there comes a time where this all is resolved and you can continue living your life. Take care.

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"Pray to the LORD now...Seattle are a bunch of heathen atheist Canadians."
NFL GM: "How do you stop a Seahawk? Take away his doctor's prescription pad."”

You guys are awesome. I mean that. Shortest post ever.

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R.I.P. Dad. I miss you. You will never be forgotten
1/12/39 - 8/7/08

Sounds like you need some green, bro. Help pass that time.

You're awesome too, Shark. One of these days I'll buy you a beer.

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Legal Notice: Any references made by the online entity know as SacHawk 2.0 or "Sac" in regards to "Currystopstheruns" being a pre-op tranny with an anal tampon fetish are entirely accurate.

Maybe we could take up a small collection to help him with Christmas? Doesn't probably have to be huge, just something. I wish I wasn't totally broke, but I have a job coming in the next few days, it's small, but I am sure I can throw in $5-$10 depending on what day she gets me her machine and I get it done. If a bunch of us chipped in just $5-$20 bucks, wouldn't be long before there would be enough to get some gifts. If I get that job soon enough, I'm willing, who is with me?

And if we do this, don't feel bad about it Shark, we all have had our hard times, and it is the season to lend a hand if we can...

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I'd gladly chip in. where do I send the check, Shark?

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Legal Notice: Any references made by the online entity know as SacHawk 2.0 or "Sac" in regards to "Currystopstheruns" being a pre-op tranny with an anal tampon fetish are entirely accurate.

I don't need any money guys. I've been saving for years. No worries there. It's just a matter of being able to function. Please... keep your money or if you have cash burning a hole in your pocket, give it to a local food bank. We're surviving. Thank you so much for the kind offers.

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R.I.P. Dad. I miss you. You will never be forgotten
1/12/39 - 8/7/08

Fine then be that way. I'll just talk to my good buddy Russell Wilson and maybe he'll send you an autograph or something. :grin:

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Legal Notice: Any references made by the online entity know as SacHawk 2.0 or "Sac" in regards to "Currystopstheruns" being a pre-op tranny with an anal tampon fetish are entirely accurate.

OK, no problem, but just saying, I've been there, I know many of us have. Hope you guys find a way to have a good holiday!

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Shark, I'm not sure if you remember me but I made a post about a year ago talking about my dad's problems. Your post gave me chills because pretty much everything you mentioned has happened to him, and then some. He had a botched back surgery and was taking over 200 mg of methodone (on top of a bunch of other stuff) for over 7 years. He then fractured 2 vertebrae in his neck about a year and a half ago and he was in constant pain. It took them about 6 months before they could perform surgery and those were some terrible times. (they reduced his pain meds to only 60mg through that time, despite his new injury adding even more pain) He battled with social security and L&I for years until they finally accepted him and he is now getting all his benefits. (has been for 2 years)

He had no one but me in his life at that point. His wife left him, his young daughter wouldn't speak to him because of his wifes accusations that he beat her (completely bogus, she was on probation for attacking him) and everyone on his side of the family are deadbeats who owed him money, but wouldn't invite him over for thanksgiving or Christmas. He is now living quite happily if not completely pain-free. He used to just fall asleep randomly because of the high amounts of medication he was on, and he wouldn't ever sleep in a bed because it hurt his back. He can now sleep in his bed just fine, and he is awake and alert throughout the day. He no longer takes any pain medication at all.

We changed four things about his lifestyle, and I'm not sure which it was that helped him so much. The first thing we did was see an accupuncturist, she was great and after sessions he sometimes felt completely pain-free for the first time in years.

The second, was that I got him a masticating juicer for his birthday, and I would juice for him 2-3 times a day if I could get over there. Vegetable juice is simply amazing for you, and he hated it at first but now he drinks it because he enjoys the taste. Some of the best juices are celery,(for pain especially) kale, spinach, carrots, parsley, apple, cherries(for pain), garlic, and ginger. I would usually make him some kale/carrots/celery/parsley/garlic juice at least once a day, and most of the time twice a day. After just a month he started looking and feeling tons healthier. Your body CAN heal itself up to a point, but its difficult for it to do when its lacking a lot of the necessary things that we don't get with a modern diet. I may be way off base and your eating a lot of vegetables a day, but juicing made it way easier for both of us for him to get all of the vitamins since we both hate eating vegetables. Buying organic is obviously the way to go, especially with celery, carrots, and leafy greens since those are the ones that receive the most pesticides. That is definitely more expensive though, so if you can't then non-organic is better than nothing. (I still use non-organic carrots and use a scrub brush because I use 5-8 lbs. of carrots a week and that can get expensive) If you are interested in trying out juicing please let me know and I can help you get started, its a little confusing at first to figure out what to juice, what juicer to use, and all that stuff.

The third and fourth things were tied together. Luckily we live in Washington, so medical marijuana helped my dad a ton. He hadn't smoked it since he was in his early twenties, and I eventually convinced him to give it a try when he hurt his neck. He couldn't believe how much it helped him. I really think that this is how he survived going from a large amount of painkillers a day to none at all. Over a period of 2 years he went from a ton to no pain meds at all. The first 6 months of his doctor cutting it down (the doctor was new and a dick, he didn't give a shit about his side effects either) and then he switched him from methodone to morphine. (even though my dad told him that morphine made him sick) That was what really made him want to get completely off the pain meds. He found that no one gave a shit what he thought or felt, so he couldn't rely on anyone but himself to help. So he slowly stopped taking the meds in combination with smoking more marijuana, accupuncture, and juicing. He doesn't even smoke marijuana anymore, but it really helped him in making the transition.

This wasn't easy. It was the most difficult part of my life, because I wanted to help him so badly but I felt helpless and didn't know how. So I educated myself, and stopped trying to focus on the pain for him. I focused instead on trying to make him healthier, which ended up having a side effect of stopping most of the pain. I can never imagine what he, or you truly felt through all of this. I would watch him squirm uncomfortably in his chair, fall asleep for a couple minutes and then wake up either screaming or with a grimace. He looked tired and drawn all the time, and when I left to go to sleep and came back he would be in the same place doing the same things. When he was in so much pain he would be constantly irritable, and wouldn't want to do anything constructive(which I can understand). So I forced him to. I was as much of an asshole to him as he was to me, and I didn't take anything he said personally. I still don't know how he made it through exactly, but he is doing so much better, and is going to the gym and recently got a girlfriend.

Now about Social Security... that will always be a battle. I really have to advise you to get a lawyer for this as well, but I know that may not be an option because of how much money they cost, and how much both the lawyer and social security drag their feet. Just like with your pain though, you can't give up.

http://www.yourwvinjuryattorneys.com/Pe ... The-C.aspx

My dad had his battle with social security and L&I before I got out of high school, so I wasn't really helping him with that, but that short blog post paints a pretty grim picture about benefits. Appeal appeal appeal, apparently. Get your teeth into those mother effers and don't let go until they give you what you've earned. Know that there is always help out there, be it your family, free legal advice, support groups, and people on .net. You don't have to do this alone.

In my experience, my dad just needed to get some of his fire back. He was defeated after so many things going wrong and going against him. My family has always had horrible luck in pretty much everything. So I kicked him in the teeth and wouldn't let him quit. I know he would have done the same for me. He just needed to get that feeling back. That its just him against the world and the world better watch the F out because he's a bad mother effer and the world must have forgotten that.

Shark, you are an inspiration, and those of us that have been around here for awhile have always taken care of each other. It is one reason I love this place.

Please accept help if you need it without a second thought.

Hopefully your health will catch up to your heart, which is in great shape.

Keep your chin up and know that there are friends out there that care. This thread proves that. I wish I had something more to offer but at least know that we're all pulling for you and I believe the power of our thoughts is much more profound than anyone could ever realize. In that spirit, I'm sending you a wave of healing thoughts your way.

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"WE ALL WE GOT! WE ALL WE NEED!"

Awesome info and kind words. I'm feeling a bit better today. I got a text from my sister and realized that my life wasn't as bad as hers in so many ways. We haven't talked in a while, and I found out a lot. So I decided I was going to focus on helping her today. I gave her all the money I had at the end of the day by getting my wife to drive me to the bank and take out all Christmas money, and then going to my sister's bank and asking to deposit it into her account. The lady at the bank was like "whaaaaa?" I just said I wanted to put money in my sister's account and she's grilling me about her full legal name, and all of this other crap. Finally I convinced her that it was my sister, and I did want to put that stack of cash in her account.

I got through with it, and texted my sister and said "check your balance." I got a text back about ten minutes later saying what a miracle it was for her and how she'll be able to buy her son's gifts and she'll be able to buy food. Her list of problems make my life seem like a vacation in Hawaii. I think I just need to make it a matter of perspective. She has lost custody of her children, had her husband leave her for somebody else that works for an attorney and pull a lot of fast ones into stealing said kids through faked forms and other forged documents. Her kids are autistic and she can't be with either one of them except for every other weekend and one Wednesday a month. But she's also going to school, just found out her boyfriend was cheating on her and he got abusive so she moved out and is now living with her daughter who has been married all of a month (like that's not putting any stress on my niece and her husband), and my sister's student loan just got cut in half (she's working hard to get her master's degree in social work at the University of Utah). Then today the clutch on the car she's borrowing just stopped working, so I talked her through getting fluid into the clutch's hydraulic system and it actually worked, and to her that was a miracle, because it will get her to the job she just picked up working overnights at a Shell gas station because she can't qualify for work study now that she's a grad student and the U of U has no student jobs available anyway on campus over Christmas break.

To hear what she had going on was just devastating. If I lost my kids I'd have no will to go on. They are the only thing I'm keeping it together for. So focusing on what I could do, which was give the money I hadn't spent on Christmas gifts and other crap while I've been in the hospital and such and I gave it to her.

It made me feel good, it took my mind off of things, but more importantly... it helped somebody who I love unconditionally. I wish I could do more. We just sold our home and are stuck in my mom's basement so we're taking up all of the space, and my sister can't commute from here up there (it's about 40 miles) each day anyway, so we can't take her in. I feel like going and beating the crap out of her boyfriend who stole money from her and my mom (they sold a lot of my mom's antiques on eBay with a deal to split the money... where is my mom's half? Where is my sister's half? Hmmmm....). But I can't do that. I've still got stitches in from the stupid gallbladder removal I had 13 days ago. I just feel like we're kind of cursed and it sucks.

Like SilNWest says above about his dad... he needed to get that back, that feeling of being on top and he'll kick some butt. I need that too. I need to feel that I can protect my sister from an abusive dickhead boyfriend that steals money from her and my elderly mother. I can't even go and pound his head in. I can barely get up and move and can't eat anything but rice pudding. I need to go beat that guy's head in. Seriously. He deserves that and then some. But I'm 39 years old going on 85 and it's BS and I hate it. But I love my big sister, and that is what got me through today. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully another problem to solve, but not one that breaks my heart. I just want to be strong enough to protect my family. To have the strength and security to know that I can watch out for my kids and provide them with a good life and opportunities. To make it so that my wife doesn't have to work 60 hours a week teaching and running the kids all over the valley because I can't do anything. She's amazing and strong, but I can tell it's burning her out. I guess I need to stop wishing and start doing. Maybe today was a good start. Who knows?

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R.I.P. Dad. I miss you. You will never be forgotten
1/12/39 - 8/7/08

It does help to think of others. Hell, I haven't said much but I just went though a big ugly breakup of a 20 year marriage. I know a lot of folks have it worse, but the shit hurts like hell all the same. Still, when I can look out of my little world, even to give a ride to my one friend who has no car, or any thing I can do for someone else in need, it helps the hurt. It doesn't take away my problems, but it helps me live with them that much easier.

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